


Truth or Dare

by nancynthia



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: 1x08, F/F, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nancynthia/pseuds/nancynthia
Summary: Shelby does what she does best and suggests some fucking games.orThe Unsinkable Eight are all high and/or drunk during a game of truth and dare at the beach.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 80
Kudos: 704





	1. Dare

Another old-fashioned icebreaker, Jeanette would have loved it. 

“Truth.” 

As Nora waits for Dot to ask her a question, she sinks into her oversized sweater, hood up, and pushes a little sand aside with her hands. Normally, she would be nervous, afraid even, but lately nothing is normal so she is edgy and for once, she is too intoxicated to care about that. 

“What’s the worst grade you’ve ever received?” Dot asks. 

Dot earns a few boo’s for the mind-numbing question, but she still thinks there is more about Nora. She is not just that smart because she reads a lot. In her opinion, Nora is a freaking walking encyclopedia if she even stored Japan’s emergency number. 

“The worst I’ve ever gotten,” Nora says to herself, looking up at the darkening sky as if she tries to recall her grades.

Rachel, who sits next to her, shifts her body. She thought they would have some fun, but now she sort of feels like she is back home, sitting with her family, and everyone is asking about Nora only, cheering for her cleverness while belittling Rachel’s. 

Rachel as well as Nora remembers Nora’s worst grade ever because she cried herself to sleep that night. It was such a big deal, even today it seems to be a biggie since Nora acts as she forgot. But she doesn’t fool Rachel. 

“It was a ‘C’,” she answers for her sister, her voice dripping with annoyance. “Nora’s worst grade is a goddamn ‘C’. Can we move on now?” 

Dot nods, feeling confirmed. 

Before Nora could ask, Rachel responds with ‘dare’. 

“I dare you to drink more,” Nora chooses as she reaches out for the bottle that stands between Leah and Fatin. Leah hands it over to her.

“That’s the kind of ‘dare’ I like,” Dot states with a thumbs up. 

To her, truth or dare is a party game, one where you try to drink as much as possible. And Dot needs another shot of vodka. But it’s up to Rachel first. Meanwhile, Nora hopes that her sister will go back to her devil-may-care attitude with more alcohol in her system now because she really liked how relaxed and fun Rachel was as she took that marijuana gummy bear.

“It’s your turn, Rach,” Nora quietly reminds her. 

Rachel teases the girls when her eyes jump from one to another, looking for the perfect victim. As her eyes meet Shelby’s, she believes she finally found it. She will use this stupid game as an excuse for an act of sweet revenge. 

“Shelby, truth or dare?”

After she locked eyes with Rachel across the circle, Shelby swallows. She isn’t sure if she is delirious or if there are angry people with torches and pitchforks in Rachel’s iris, coming for her. Shelby just knows that she is screwed. So regardless of what she decides, she will end up with a drink, though she is still trashed from her drinking alone earlier.

“Dare,” Shelby says in a steady voice. She won't voluntarily reveal her inner self and her weaknesses to someone like Rachel.

As soon as the word has lit upon her ear, Rachel smiles brightly, so bright that her white teeth flash through the night and hit Shelby like lightning. It shakes Shelby’s insides. But at the end of the day, it’s just a game and it’s just a matter of having fun and keeping calm. 

Shelby breathes deeply while the other girls get that it’s a bit tense in there and make some: “Whoo!”

There are two reasons why Rachel usually doesn’t drink:

1\. She’s an athlete, a diver.

2\. She turns into a bitch. 

“I dare you to kiss, no, to French kiss…,” Rachel teases again as she looks around. “Fatin.”

Shelby’s eyes go wide in a second and she feels completely sober the next. A kiss, that’s clearly the worst-case scenario. Dot starts to be entertained so she gets comfortable in the sand as she observes the events. Leah simply raises her eyebrows. She didn’t expect this kind of ‘dare’ to happen already and she thought the first island kiss would be between Fatin and Dot, actually. 

But what Leah doesn’t know is that the first island kiss goes to Shelby and Toni. 

“I’d give all my Gucci for a kiss,” Fatin exhales, strolling down the Memory Lane of her last kisses. 

“Needy,” Nora chuckles, head down. 

Unlike the others, Toni isn’t amused. In fact, quite the opposite - she is furious. Fatin was right when she said there is always drama with girls and Rachel is the one provoking it right now. Just because someone is homophobic, you don’t have to dare them to kiss someone of the same sex, Toni thinks. But she is the only one knowing that Shelby didn’t mean it. 

“You should’ve dared her to kiss Toni,” Martha giggles, for a change. She is busy trying to make a snow angel in the sand like Toni did a while ago. 

“Shit, Marty,” Toni snaps, though Martha is too wasted to be bothered in any way. 

Rachel carefully considered her decision. She had Toni in mind since she is the lesbian and the one who was insulted by Shelby. But Rachel just wanted to make Shelby uncomfortable. She didn’t want to plunge the island into chaos again. So she chose Fatin over Toni, the hothead. 

Finally, Fatin makes a kissing mouth into Shelby’s direction.

“Guys, look at the gay panic in her eyes,” Rachel laughs out loud, clapping her hands while doing so. She definitely reached her goal. 

As Dot shakes her head in amusement, she exchanges glances with Leah. For them, it is clear that Shelby will chicken out. After Rachel’s laugh no longer filled the air around them, there is nothing left but the fire crackling, waves splashing and Martha scratching the beach. The noises and the inactivity are almost unbearable for Toni. 

And Shelby is still paralyzed. She’s seriously panicking. If she would’ve some scissors, she would cut her godless hair off. But the weirdest part about it all is that she's not in a panic because she is dared to kiss a girl. She would do it, only to prove them otherwise. But she doesn’t know what Toni will feel about it. So maybe she should have a sip of vodka after all. 

When Shelby crawls to grab the bottle, Toni chimes in: “I’m okay with kissing her.”

All eyes are on Toni now, although Shelby pauses in the middle of the circle, on her hands and knees. 

“I mean, I could show her what she’s missing,” Toni adds awkwardly. “I’m the expert, you know.” 

“Yeaah,” Dot agrees as she points at Toni. “I remember how you licked that mussel. No one else could’ve done it like that.” 

Toni forces a smile and Fatin says: “Okay, I will let you have a chance.” For a second, she bows to Toni as if she is some kind of a lesbian goddess. 

Only then, after Fatin was okay with it, Toni dares to look at Shelby. At that moment, the blonde looks over her shoulder to meet Toni’s questioning gaze. Thanks to her, Shelby is completely overwhelmed by her feelings again and twice this evening. At least now she knows what’s on Toni’s mind and that she obviously wants to repeat the kissing. 

For that reason alone, Shelby is relieved. But her heart beats even faster and she is on pins and needles because she isn’t sure if she will be able to stop kissing Toni at some point, or if she could act like she’s disgusted by that kiss, or if she wants everyone to know that she’s into girls too. Shelby raises her head and focuses back on the bottle of vodka in front of her.

She wants to take it once again as Rachel shouts: “Ey, you can’t just change the game. I dared Shelby to kiss Fatin and if she kisses someone else, she still has to drink. There are rules.”

Fatin shrugs and Toni unintentionally grits her teeth. Of course, Rachel won’t accept that someone breaks the damn rules, not under her watch. But she should try to pull her fucking panties out of her ass for once. Toni starts sensing a familiar feeling that boils up deep inside her, but with each passing second, it grows, and it’s about to come to the surface. Rage. It’s just waiting to blow. 

As Shelby moves towards Fatin, Toni can’t help it. She gets up and leaves the circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Let me know if you are interested in a second chapter where Shelby goes after Toni.


	2. or

Nobody makes an attempt to stop Toni. 

But everybody wordlessly gazes after her until she is out of their sight and merges into the darkness. After spending sixteen days together, they know Toni’s temper well enough to tell if they should leave her alone or not. It is obvious that they decided unanimously to let Toni go and figure it out herself before she would smash their bottle of alcohol. 

“Is she always such a party-pooper?” Rachel asks Martha. 

“Toni?” Martha pops up, mud all over her hair.

“Yeah, Toni.” Rachel again sounds pretty annoyed. 

She wonders what’s wrong with those girls, besides the stranded-on-an-island trauma. Toni should really consider doing anger management classes since her impulsivity first ruined her basketball career, then the shelter building contest, and now she nearly ruined the celebration of their last evening on the godforsaken island. And Martha should step out of her bubble. 

“Where’s Toni?” Martha not only looks like she just woke up from a nap, but she also behaves like she did. “And what are we playing?”

“Truth or dare,” Dot replies casually as she watches Shelby, who goes back to her seat with the bottle of vodka in one of her hands.

So Dot and Leah were right. Shelby doesn’t have the guts. She may not be prudish, but she’s still too religious for this shit. Dot, however, follows the motto: what happens on the island, stays on the island, although she would prefer alcohol and cigs over random kisses. 

“I could be offended,” Fatin starts, giving Shelby a look. “But I’m freakishly strong and I’m going to ride a big dick soon. I’ll get over it.” 

Shelby shortly smiles an apology at Fatin, who winks back at her, before Shelby pours some vodka down her throat. She shudders because no matter how much she drinks, it still feels like she is burning from the inside out with every gulp. Dot takes the bottle from her. 

“I knew you wouldn’t do it,” Rachel says and Nora notices the victory smile on her sister’s face that she remembers from Rachel’s diving competitions, the ones she won. 

“The eye of God is constantly watching over us,” Shelby mutters under her breath while she lightly shrugs her shoulders. 

It’s all pretend, though. Heaven knows that she kissed Toni. Shelby has sinned, but there is no Father far and wide to whom she could confess and whom she could ask for forgiveness. Sinners go to hell. Just thinking about it, Shelby’s windpipe shuts like a trap as it does when she eats any shellfish. Nevertheless, she asks herself why it feels so good to be bad. 

But in a short while, they will be rescued which is why there is no need for Shelby to bother with the girls. They will go back to their real lives like nothing happened and most probably, she won’t even see Dot ever again. And then there is Toni. Shelby doesn’t want to lose track of Toni, but Minnesota is all the way on the other side of the country.

“Shelby, you’re next,” Leah calls out and snaps Shelby out of her thoughts. 

Leah isn’t passionate about ‘truth or dare’, she never has been, but as she enjoys the intoxication, she thinks they should make the best of the night. And there isn’t much of a selection at the island so they have to be satisfied with Shelby’s games, although Shelby doesn’t seem to be happy with her choice. 

“Shouldn’t someone look after Toni?” Shelby asks instead of ‘truth or dare’. Toni shouldn’t be out there. She should be with them when help arrives. 

“Always the one, who asks,” Leah counters. 

“She’s fine,” Rachel tells her, but she’s just making fun of Shelby. “God is looking after her.”

Rachel slaps at Nora’s shoulder to make her laugh with her, but Nora feels uncomfortable with laughing about someone’s beliefs, even when she’s numb and despite how obscure the beliefs may be. Rachel should take a step back. She is pretty tough on Shelby and it's not funny anymore.

“Martha?” Shelby ignores Rachel and tries to get the daydreamer’s attention instead.

From one second to the other, Martha jumps up and down in her seat. She waited for this. “Truth,” she answers thrilled, excited. 

But the game isn’t what Shelby was getting at. Fortunately, she can still use ‘truth’ for her purpose. “Would you go and check on Toni?”

For a moment, Martha avoids looking Shelby in the eye because she knows that her answer won’t be the one Shelby wants to hear. But as the game requires, it will be the truth. And if Toni freely walked away, it is a good thing and it means she listened to Martha and it also means she tries to do better. She shouldn’t disrupt this process now but appreciate it later. 

Then, Martha summons up her courage to let Shelby down. “I’m still friends with Toni, I always will be, but for my own good, I won’t make her shit my problem today,” she explains. “So, no, I’ll keep playing ‘truth or dare’.” 

The girls are surprised, shocked actually, but so proud. Until now, they weren’t aware of the fact that Martha, the compassionate and selfless one among their group, is able to stand up for herself like this. It suits her very well, though. The only one, who isn’t pleased by Martha’s response, is Shelby. 

“Truth or dare, Leah?” Martha asks as she simply looks the other way. 

Not only is Shelby disappointed by Martha, but by each of them. No one seems to care about Toni at all, or definitely not as much as Shelby does. She doesn’t get it. Even if it’s probably their last day on the island, they shouldn’t start to be completely irresponsible and reckless. They are still here and therefore they should be concerned or cautious, at least. 

But Shelby is wrong, Fatin takes her side. 

“No, someone really should go after her. No one should be alone on drugs, much less on a deserted island,” she argues while she looks around her. 

“It’s a long time ago since we took the edibles. Except for Martha, no one should be still on drugs,” Nora notices thoughtfully. 

Nora surely knows one thing or two about drugs, especially about THC, despite the fact that she was a first-timer like Rachel. But drugs (like, sports even, if she takes Rachel as an example) and their impacts on people fascinate her so she read about it, and as it turns out, it is of advantage. Candied marijuana works for several hours, like six hours, rarely longer. Today they even ate plenty of food beforehand. 

Fatin hums, like, she knows more than the rest. As the others cast questioning glances over to her, for one minute straight, she speaks up. 

“Some of us, and by that I mean Toni, Leah, and I, ate one more of those gummy bears right before we started the game,” Fatin admits, putting an innocent virgin look on her face while biting down on her bottom lip. 

“Fuck,” Rachel swears. “You took them behind our backs?” 

At this point, Rachel realizes that she is no team player at all, and not only because they are incapable of anything, but because she trusts herself the most. While she dived, Rachel didn’t need anybody else. She desperately needs to find devotion in something similar and do it for a living one day. 

“Everything must go,” Fatin quotes Dot with a shrug. 

“Sharing is caring, Fatin. Where are they?” Dot’s eyes search the ground when Leah pulls the baggie of candy out of her pocket and throws it right to her. Dot adds amused: “That’s why you are so damn calm.” 

Leah just leans back, doing a peace sign before she lands on her elbows and in the sand. 

“I share a lot, like, my cello skills, my clothes, make-up, and drugs, but as much as I care, I won’t share my toothbrush and I won’t share you, Dorothy,” Fatin elaborates in a flirtatious voice. 

Dot dramatically puts her hand on her heart and they blow each other kisses. Everyone, but Shelby, laughs at this. 

As Dot then eats a gummy bear and others follow, Shelby begins to clear her throat loudly. “All right.” She nervously rubs her hands on her thighs until she rises to her feet. “Since I’m the only one who’s not on something, I’ll go see her.”

It’s decided. There is no going back now, even though Shelby’s legs are shaking in fear and with excitement. She has no idea what awaits her when she finds Toni so Shelby is barely prepared to go, torn between hope and despair. Toni can be either happy or unhappy to see her, to be alone with her, after she just ran away the last time and after that kiss, and Shelby can’t blame her for any possible reaction. 

Shelby is a mess and she is drowning, drowning in her thoughts that are all over the place, but centered on Toni. She couldn’t stop drinking about her, thinking about her, all while running away from her, just to get back to her. And Shelby hates to love how Toni keeps her burning, burning for her touch and all those other profoundly unchristian things. Standing at the crossroads, the alcohol may give her strength and lead her the right way. 

For the first time since she refused to look after her best friend, Martha locks eyes with Shelby. “Thank you, Shelby,” she says and she means it.

“Bring her back, okay?” Dot accidentally pets Shelby’s butt, for a split second only, as it is the first body part that Dot reaches. 

Shelby nods, giving them a hesitant smile before she turns around and vanishes in the darkness of the island, without a clue where Toni might be and without any idea of what to say to her.

“I ask you again, truth or dare, Leah?” Toni hears in the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here I am, writing too much. You'll get another one, a last one.
> 
> Stay safe and Merry Christmas y'all!


	3. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Becca's suicide is mentioned
> 
> To make up for it, there will be a 'truth or dare' kiss. Enjoy reading!

A fake conversion therapy, Dave Goodkind would hate it if he knew. 

"Hey, um… As I can see, you got a jump on the firewood situation again," Shelby notices shyly. She fumbles with her jacket as she approaches Toni, who sits on a field near the forest, sticks lying next to her. 

The nights are cold and the campfire is burning low. Somebody would’ve to fetch some wood anytime soon, anyway. Toni simply could’ve said what she is up to, somebody could’ve accompanied her, but Toni walked away, without a word, and right before Shelby was supposed to kiss Fatin. And that’s why Shelby assumes, or rather, hopes that there is more to it.

"Someone had to do it and I needed some space, I guess," Toni replies, pulling her knees closer while she looks at the ocean.

Toni's first guess is that she is sick of being the exhausting one, who ruins things, destroys things, and breaks things. It’s not like she does it on purpose, she doesn’t even notice, but that doesn’t alter the fact that it sucks and the others would agree. As Toni sat there, aware of this problem, she better ran instead of screwing up the game by fighting Shelby’s battles for her or either with her unbridled rage. 

"Do you mind if I-" Shelby points at the spot next to Toni. Apart from using the past tense, evidence suggest that Toni still needs space. Her posture and the way she refuses to look at her... But Shelby just had to ask.

Once Toni throws a side glance at Shelby, she loses it. All the self-control, all for nothing, and still, she can’t stop looking at this angelic face, which reminds her of all those things she desperately tried to hate but ended up loving. Toni feels like an idiot for her emotions, for letting Shelby in, now that they will be rescued and it will fall apart like it always does. In the end, she has learned nothing from her past experience.

Plus, Shelby denies everything. It makes Toni wonder if Shelby thinks of her when she lies.

And there it is again - the anger. Toni can sense her face getting red from it when she cuts Shelby off: “So you know who you are and you are glad to go back to her, but before that, you take advantage of every opportunity to kiss girls, huh? Thank God, you'll get what you want. After we got off the island, you won't have to think of me ever again.”

That's when Toni reaches the point where she can no longer deny that it's jealousy, not anger, which is similar but different because the heartache on that one is new and really gets her in the gut. It's always the same story with Toni: prepare for trouble and make it double. Therefore, her other and second guess is that she also deserved a time-out since she is not just stranded on an island, but managed to give her heart away as well. It seems like she's meant to be broken. 

Shelby on the other hand is shocked, too shocked to reply at first and she freezes, even though she initially intended to step closer and sit beside Toni. It’s obvious to her that Toni is high but hurt, and seeing her like this is a stab in the heart so Shelby doesn’t step back either. She doesn’t move at all because a flinch is enough to give a false impression, but well, Shelby isn’t scared of Toni. In fact, she has let herself fall under the spell of her fire. 

Toni certainly is both hellfire and holy water and the flavor Shelby gets to taste depends on how she treats Toni. As far as Shelby is concerned, false moves or words only add fuel to the fire and she doesn't want to fill the cup until it overflows. This is why she favors comforting Toni over initiating another unnecessary fight, even if she's not afraid of it. Truth be told, Shelby is intrigued more than anything. Toni wears her heart on her sleeve. She speaks her mind, freely agrees and disagrees, controlled and uncontrolled, it's to be envied while Shelby forever hides her face in the guise of others.

This is now changing - hopefully.

After Shelby rearranged her thoughts, she says softly: "I didn’t kiss anyone but you, Toni. And you’d know that if you would’ve stayed. You could’ve stayed with me."

In the beginning, Shelby seriously wanted to leave the island in a heartbeat, to run away from her attraction towards Toni, and to do her very best to say goodbye to her interest in women. But as soon as she was actively confronted with her sexuality and who she is, she freaked out, haunted by all those hurtful memories of Becca and her parents' strong aversion to homosexuals. Shelby realized that she can’t go back home without figuring out what she wants and she’s about to find out. 

When Toni gets to know that she was wrong about the ‘truth or dare’ kiss, that Shelby resisted the irresistible Fatin, Toni frowns a little. The thought of Shelby kissing someone else, someone who’s not her, has taken her and her feelings by complete surprise. By that time, Toni didn’t know that she’s into Shelby, so much so that it caused her to over-react like this. But all of a sudden, everything is just so crystal clear, which is not to say that it makes things any easier.

"I’m sorry. You didn’t stay with me, though," Toni answers and still succeeds to distance herself from exploding. 

The special fury, the jealousy, slowly fades away, eventually in exchange for fatigue and exhaustion, and Toni's too drugged to be on the maximum of her anger anyway. It's refreshing and sort of feels like she's back to her balance if she can call it that. But it's also strange because it seems like it doesn’t depend only on the drugs. Ever since that kiss, it’s Shelby’s presence that calms her, just as much as it confuses her. And it starts to look like Shelby is as insecure as Toni, if not more. 

"You really wanted me to stay?" She asks, her eyebrows rise in surprise. A look that says Shelby is indeed overwhelmed but didn't mean to say it out loud.

At this point, it occurs to Shelby that maybe, just maybe, Toni didn’t try to catch up with her to laugh at her or to insult her, or to point out what a shitty Christian she is and that she absolutely contradicts herself. There is a chance that Toni doesn't want to ask Shelby questions she doesn't know an answer to. In reverse and oddly enough, this would mean that Toni wants to be there for her. So apparently and even after everything Shelby did to her, Toni is still not convinced of Shelby being a complete asshole.

That’s good and kind, and Shelby’s heart is racing because of it, but Toni’s rare empathy and sympathy don’t change how exactly Shelby sees herself. She said things to Becca, bad things that can’t be unsaid. Her behavior is still unforgivable and for that alone, she is an asshole. Toni deserves better, _Becca deserved better_ , and Shelby thinks she deserves to suffer. But deep down she knows she'd really prefer something else.

"Obviously, Shelby," Toni says sharply as she looks up at Shelby, meeting her big green puppy eyes that literally scream fright and grief and self-hate, so much self-hate, it's oppressive. 

After Toni witnessed this expression, the look of anguish on Shelby's face, she regrets that she lost her temper immediately. Toni got carried away a bit due to Shelby's astonishment and the assumption that Toni didn't give a fuck again which is false and like a throwback to earlier this day when Shelby accused her of gossiping about their kiss. But now she understands that Shelby isn't surprised by the fact that Toni cares, but that Toni cares about her. It justifies Shelby's reaction somehow.

Besides that, Toni recalls that she blamed Shelby too when she thought Shelby would get back at her, sometime. But as it turns out, Shelby isn’t vindictive as well as Toni isn’t a blabbermouth. They do mistakes, like saying the wrong things, because they don't know each other well and in some way, it's a pity that they won't get to know each other better. At the very least it means that there is no point in screaming at Shelby anymore neither in pushing her away so Toni lowers her voice once and for all. She has to admit that she's sick and tired of fighting.

"I ran after you, remember? Through the whole fucking forest to the beach. My lungs were crying and still, I screamed your name like crazy." Toni can’t help but smile in the telling.

Her eyes show mixed feelings though. Toni is falling for Shelby, that's for sure and it's nice to be in love, to run out of hate. Toni won't debate on this, but she has no idea whether it is a two-way street or a blind alley. So it's not all good, despite the fact that they will be rescued soon. There are signs, maybe, to answer Toni's question, but she's not good at reading them and the lack of knowledge and security makes her go mad. It reminds her of Regan and the last time they sat in her car together, right before Regan dumped her, something she really doesn't want to be reminded of. 

With Regan, Toni tried so long and hard to bring some illusion to life, a perfect illusion. Imagining that Regan could handle Toni's fire forever or that Toni could control it enough to make it work was just a fucking fantasy. But unlike Regan and Toni, Shelby knows how to control things. Control seems to be her middle name. She's good at it, so good it gives hope, even to Toni who's usually the queen of lost hope. For now, Toni will leave it at that. She'll leave her past behind and live in the moment for once. 

"True." Shelby bites her lip to hide her own grin. She's a bit more relaxed, but yet her self-confidence is a little late. "Do you want me to stay now, too?"

Shelby is sure that she's the cause of Toni's pain at the moment, ignoring the fact that she had no intention to hurt Toni, it's high time that she explains herself as best as she can. She shouldn’t have made this mistake once so she definitely wouldn’t make it twice, otherwise, it’ll finally break her. Therapists may fix her, or control the damage, but Shelby would still see the crack in her reflection, a deeper one since Becca's death shattered her first.

"Sure." Toni shrugs and Shelby doesn’t hesitate to sit down next to Toni, almost shoulder to shoulder. 

For a while, they sit in silence.

"I know who I am, I really do," Shelby breaks the silence in a small voice. "I just don’t know how I fit into my religion, like, I know this way of living is unacceptable in our community, no matter what. But I don’t want to lose faith and I don’t want to be all alone."

Shelby chokes a sob as her past flashes over her, wild and untamed, and painful, so terribly painful, it makes her gasp for air. Any time she asked God to help her grow, she wasn't surprised if it started raining. But this isn't just a little bit of rain which she easily goes through, which makes her stronger. It's a frickin' thunderstorm, a hurricane actually, followed by a giant tsunami that washes away the last pieces of her desires and strength, and leaves her with the bare minimum of hope, confidence, and trust. Shelby is lost and not only because she's stranded on an island.

As Shelby hit the road for this trip, she already knew that there won't be a place for her to return to, no place at the Goodkind’s, not any longer if she won’t come back as the person her Daddy wants her to be. And Shelby wishes she could be this person for him... _his little daughter, the pageant princess, Little Miss Sunshine. A straight woman_. She acted as if she’d love Andrew, the cheating drug user kind of an asshole, she denied and promised things, she prayed all day every day. She tried and she failed.

In the end, Toni figured her out from the start. She was absolutely right when she said people that cling to religion are the ones who like to tell themselves a nice story about who they are because they’re hiding some pretty fucked up shit. It's like a match made in heaven and it fits for Shelby, very much so. But she can't find a long-term and permanent solution when she looks up at the stars.

"Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t religion fit you?" Toni mentions while stealing a quick glance at Shelby. 

Toni isn’t the slightest religious, neither is she interested in religions of any kind, gods or commandments, and Shelby knows that, Toni let her know. But she thought about it and most probably, it will be easier for her to understand Shelby, to help her, to protect her, if Toni has an understanding of her beliefs because no matter what Shelby identifies with, religion will always be a part of her. So Toni will listen. She will listen carefully since it won’t be a lecture like the last time. 

Religion has a lot to say for those who want to listen and Shelby never had another choice.

“I was breastfed with biblical passages, Toni, I was made to fit. I don’t know anything else than Jesus and it’s not like it doesn’t fit me, it fitted me well until I… I found out. And actually, it still fits me, the beliefs. But the people, they don’t," Shelby tells Toni, honest but stressed so she fidgets with her necklace all along.

Her silver cross necklace, the one she got from her mom at her baptism, the one that saved her from losing her mind several times by now, the one that makes her wonder what her mother might think about her, about homosexuals to be exact. Shelby never thought about it until now, but she doesn't have a clue what her mom thinks, not at all because it's always her dad who talks to her about their beliefs, who sets the rules, and who controls their lifestyle. Perhaps, it's all on him, not God, and Jobeth is just as suppressed in her will as Shelby, Spencer, and Melody are.

Still, everything in Shelby’s life has taught her that it’s wrong, reprehensible, and totally abnormal - to be into the same sex as well as to disrespect your parents. And Shelby believed it, she lived by it, and she passed it on to others. Even after she understood that she’s exactly what she shouldn’t be, she didn’t question her views. She didn’t dare to have doubts, to argue, or to disagree. But now that she saw the light, _Toni_ , an inspiration, a glimpse of a happy future, she starts to tolerate her own independent thoughts and challenges her religion, the things her father preached her at least. 

She ponders this for a minute before the need to clarify one point is too strong, too heavy, after all the trouble this topic created. "Except for the homophobia."

"Did I hear that right? You changed your mind?" Toni asks in disbelief, her eyes widen in the same breath.

If Shelby is serious, it would be a huge step, and Toni sits there proudly and admires the progress. It seems like Shelby finally is an instrument of love and therefore, what the Lord expects her to be. She should be happy about it and proceed to the next step which is to love herself. Shelby can use a little love. Although Toni doesn't know how it's like to fight who you are, she's sure this is truly a losing fucking battle. Shelby has to acknowledge this before it's too late, before it destroys her.

"No, I don't know," Shelby says fast and shakily, and she avoids any eye contact for a second. "Maybe I don't want it to be a sin."

There's nothing left of Shelby's voice, nothing more than a whisper, but Toni understands and nods while Shelby instantly asks herself if she's even allowed to want something, especially something like this.

"I'm not quite sure if you care what I think, but I think nothing you can't change is a sin," Toni starts gently. "You said it yourself, it’s who I am. I’m gay, a goddamn lesbian, and I can’t change that, neither can you, whatever you think you are. It's the same thing with your skin color or ethnicity. But do you know what changed?" 

Shelby shakes her head. She claims that she changed if only a little for the better. But she doesn't know if it'll be ever enough.

“Nearly everything since the bible is fucking old.” Toni smiles in hopes that Shelby reacts to it in a positive way. When she doesn’t, Toni continues stern: “Don’t you think God has changed, too? If he was homophobic at some point. I doubt that, to be honest. All he does is talking with all those souls up there, that's why God is so wise in the first place, isn't it? And he's watching us so he sees the changes and what remains the same. Love doesn't change. Since he invented it, he knows that love is love, he even wanted it to be like this. Love is everything, regardless of its kind, you know."

When Shelby stays silent, Toni keeps talking: "Sadly, you can’t ask him, but I bet he’d never abandon a creature that he created. He made you, Shelby, and he loves you.”

The blonde still stares at the ocean or at the sky, Toni can't tell, but she's not quite unaffected by Toni's words. She is working but in her head. At that time, Shelby wonders if Toni is right or if it's just her reaching out for any support to stop her head from spinning. Her view clears a little at least as she recalls that the Lord only makes beautiful things. Daddy called her that, beautiful, even with her retainer. Eventually, Shelby is still what God intended if he intended her to be gay, that's the big question.

“If they don’t love you the way you are, then fuck ‘em all,” Toni concludes bluntly. She believes that she loves Shelby just the way she is because she accepts Shelby's worst parts, without thinking. 

After some time, Shelby turns to face Toni again. A heaviness in her eyes that says she is biting back several emotions as she speaks, cold but reflective: "That’s easy to say, Toni. But they are my family, my life. They're all I've got. I can’t just leave them behind. I mean, I’m still in high school. What do I do?"

Toni feels it in the way that Shelby breathes, in the way her eyes won't stand still, that behind this perfect front with its price winning smile, she's a ruin. Her whole world and everything she knows is trembling, crumbling, breaking, and she can't do anything to stop it, not like she imagined it to stop. But after all, it gives the impression that Shelby finally embraces herself, her true self, and Toni won't bail on her now.

She licks her lips before she states: "You don’t have to do anything. But if you want to be happy, you probably should do something."

Shelby returns Toni's gaze, but she doesn't look less helpless than before, just more absent, lost in her thoughts. Her mind is circling around Becca again because Becca was most likely the only Christian she knew, who didn’t judge her, who accepted her before she accepted herself, and she didn’t appreciate it but drove Becca to suicide. Shelby owes her one. She just struggles with the implementation as she doesn't know if she's strong enough, _strong like Becca_ , to stand up for herself.

"Listen, Shelby." Toni takes a breath as she tirelessly rips out bits of grass from the lawn. "I collected the sand earlier because I always do. I collect things. I've got a whole cigar box of souvenirs from each foster family I ever lived in. And y’all, you are like my family on this island, the best one I’ve ever had, apart from Marty’s. So I know nothing about families, the more normal ones, but what I know is that sometimes you’ve to take all the good things, even if it’s just a bit of sand, and leave before shit goes down. That’s all you can do."

There is a silence. Shelby holds onto her cross, eyes on some blank space in front of her while Toni's grip around the grass tufts tightens as she watches Shelby. 

Shelby believes in God, that's not up for discussion. And she starts to think that God loves everyone, no matter who they are, though she'll need some time to take it personally. But there's something she can't get out of her mind which could make it easier for her to handle herself and all her insecurities. Toni. It's Toni since day one. Toni is good, despite her faults, and she could be the proof that God still loves her and that he wants her to be who she is. A sign of fate, perhaps.

"Truth or dare?" Shelby asks out of nowhere, holding Toni's gaze now. 

As Shelby is stuck in frozen water, a game of ‘truth or dare’ can be her icebreaker. A game always helps to provide answers, which is something Shelby urgently needs. When she stays in the dark, not knowing if her existence is rather worth hiding or showing, she will go insane but not off the island. She’d be like Robinson Crusoe then, but with a cunt. 

"What?" Toni sounds and looks puzzled. 

"Truth or dare?" Shelby echoes persistently, but her voice is wavering. 

“I don’t want to play this stupid game. You’ve to go back to the others if you do.” Then, Toni is the one focusing back on the ocean to conceal her upcoming anger. 

A frustrated noise leaves Shelby’s mouth. “But I want to dare you to kiss me, Toni. I dare you. Please, kiss me.”

Her eyes look almost pleading, she's begging as she pushes forward to get to know if Toni liked it, the kiss and if she likes her. Toni didn't step back or pulled away, she rather kissed her back yesterday, but what about today and the rest of their lives. Toni can be the first one who likes Shelby back and maybe, Shelby will be able to fully accept herself if only someone likes her. Looking inside herself, she just wants to feel whole and not like she's a sin. She just wants to be kissed, to be loved, ideally by Toni.

“Shelby-“ Toni doesn't know what's going on, probably they are both still trashed, and Toni's hesitation seems to make it worse.

“God have mercy on me,” Shelby breathes out as she grabs Toni by the collar of her sweatshirt. She's so eager to get to know what happened to Toni's offer to kiss her that she pulls them both down to the ground so Toni clumsily lands on top of her.

"What-" Toni stutters confused. She tries her best to lift her weight off of Shelby's body, but Shelby refuses to let go. "What are you doing?" 

"Why don't you-" _kiss me_ , Shelby finishes her thought that's interrupted. 

"Toni, oh my god," Martha cries out. "Did you- did you kill Shelby?"

"What? No!" Toni fires back to defend herself. Momentarily, she shifts her body and within a second, she's back on her feet. "Get up, Shelby. Show her you're not dead."

"I'm very much alive," Shelby murmurs disappointed while she sits herself up and wipes her hands off on her jacket. 

In response, Martha exhales in relief. She couldn't stand the thought of Toni being a murderer and Shelby being her victim. Although Shelby is homophobic, she's the most important person to her here, besides Toni. She took care of her ankle and she saved Toni's life. Martha will always be grateful for that. 

"What took you so long? What were you doing?" Martha asks, still eyeing them suspiciously before her eyes drift off due to the drugs. 

"We, eh, got some wood for the fire," Toni explains as she quickly looks over her shoulder, if only so Marty wouldn't witness the light embarrassed flush on her face, but also to encourage her to follow Toni's eye line to the woodpile next to Shelby.

_Shelby._

"And we were about to come back to you. But Shelby just tripped over a stick and we got into a little fight when I wanted to pull her up. So would you mind helping?" Toni speaks while she grabs some wood and places it in Martha's arms. Meanwhile, Shelby stands up.

"You both are unbelievable," Martha comments before she shakes her head with a laugh and walks off. "Guuuys."

"Are you- are you okay?" Toni asks quietly while they follow Martha who's running to the others.

"Yeah." Shelby takes several deep breaths. "Just... forget about it." Then, she goes ahead and leaves Toni behind. 

"Shh," they hear Rachel as they get closer to the fire. "Leah has to decide who she wants to kiss."

"I dared her to kiss whoever she likes," Nora whispers proudly in Martha’s direction. “Means, Marcus is not excluded.” 

Immediately, Martha thinks of kissing Marcus, the real Marcus she saw in the woods so she forgets about Toni and Shelby. She adds the wood to the fire before she sits down between Nora and Marcus, touching his toned torso. Toni joins Shelby in the circle without breaking the safe distance between them. In other words, they sit across from each other. Currently, Toni can't see herself through the fire and smoke, but Shelby, like a neon light, shines through it which seems to open a door that Toni can’t keep closed. Hope. She tries to shake it off, but it clings to her like the feeling of Shelby's hands on her collar, Shelby's body under her own. 

She still has to be high, that's the only logical explanation.

"Thank you, Toni. For the wood, I mean. It was my shift, but I was too slorny to get up and get some." Dot yawns. 

"Slorny?" Toni questions her with a frown. 

"Sleepy and horny at the same damn time," Dot answers as she moves into a sleeping position. 

"Fatin, if you will?" Leah finally announces and pulls everyone's attention back to the present.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Leah, by no means, wants to have sex with Fatin, but she’s down for a kiss since Fatin is the one she’s most comfortable with. She needs to feel that there’s more than Jeffrey Galanis to this world, others that care, genuinely for a change. And Fatin cares while Jeff doesn’t and probably never did.

"I'm glad you ask," Fatin says with a smug smile as she turns to search for something in her beauty bag. "I'm prepared for this."

"What exactly are you looking for? Lip balm? Lip liner? A mint?" Toni curiously points out the options. Not that she'd use or need any of these for a good kiss, back home at least. Unknowingly her thoughts go back to Shelby and the missed opportunity to kiss her. Instantly, she wonders if it's regret that pinches her heart just now. 

"Lip balm would make sense," Nora states while touching her own chapped lips. 

"My Louboutin lipstick, I can’t find it," Fatin answers annoyed. After Leah did the second inventory, nothing is where it's supposed to be. 

"Louboutin, really?" Rachel asks, though Fatin's insanely rich ass shouldn't surprise her anymore. "How much cost a fucking Louboutin lipstick?"

"100 dollars, more or less." Fatin shrugs. The only thing she cares about is the damn lipstick, the one that calmed down her mother after her father fucked up. This one is important to her. 

"100? For lipstick?" Martha is back in the game now too, her voice higher than usual. "Is it made of gold like your watch?"

"Shut up." Fatin fake laughs at the mention of her father's watch. She won't go into that, into thinking of her father. "But I swear, it’s the hottest color. Merlot, like the red-wine. Shit, it's like I can taste it right now.” 

"The lipstick or the wine?" Nora wants to know, but no one seems to listen to her.

"Could you just kiss each other so we can go on?" Rachel let her impatience get the better of her. "Who cares about 'hot' here anyway?"

With each passing second, Rachel is getting closer to announce that she's down for 'Scrabble' or 'Words in Words' more than she's into their game of 'truth or dare'. It's all about sex, dick sizes, first times, and kisses, nothing she's able to have a say in. So Rachel is bored, enough to wonder if it's too much to ask for some dares that include a cliff dive or a cartwheel in the sand or skinny dipping even. In the end, Rachel makes peace with the fact she will never get these girls, no matter how hard she tries. She calls it wasted energy.

"I care, simply for the reason that our Leah over here deserves hot," Fatin explains, but throws her beauty bag back into her suitcase. 

Leah blushes at those words. Deep down she knows she deserves it, to be seen, but it's something else when Fatin says it. It means more, just like the way she looks at Leah and how she moves closer to put a strand of loose hair behind her ear. Leah swallows the nervousness she doesn't know where it's coming from.

Fatin is gentle with Leah because she fucking earns it, as stated, so Fatin saves a stupid comment and lets her hand slide up Leah’s neck instead, ready to pull her in. And Leah closes her eyes before she leans in, ready to let go. 

When their lips meet, Toni looks away just to realize that Shelby is watching her. But it's nothing like the last time as Fatin and Dot joked around, there's no panic, no shame in her eyes. Shelby even gives her a short smile which confuses Toni to the bone. But it feels good, real and a smile is all she can ask for at this moment. Shelby is okay and Toni slightly nods to her.

Fatin's lips are indeed dry, and so are Leah's, but Fatin's technique makes up for it. In the end, Leah is surprised, but not disappointed. Plus, she's glad that Fatin kisses her like she wants to kiss her, not like she’s dared to kiss her, which she actually is. It’s hot but soft and still kind of feels like Fatin is her best friend who teaches her how to kiss properly for her next date. So Fatin is her guide and when Leah doesn’t stop moving her lips against hers, it's enough encouragement for Fatin to push her other hand up Leah's thigh. She even dares to entwine her tongue with Leah's. 

"Did you say 'french kiss'?" Dot wonders, half asleep. 

Nora stares at them in fascination. "Noo."

"Well, now Fatin will wish she had fucked that toothbrush," Toni adds between laughter. Others join in and even though Shelby doesn't laugh, she doesn't look like she wants them to stop either. 

When they parted, no one says something, but both of them blame the drugs for their excessive make out session. They don't have any regrets, though, neither has Shelby. Tomorrow is another chance for a new beginning, an opportunity to be changed... different, magnificent. She has the choice to stay mired in her pain and mess, or she can try mending the broken pieces inside herself, but without depending on others so much. She realized it's not Toni's duty to get, or kiss, her through this. 

As Shelby enjoys that her girls have fun, she chooses to try again and that's the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this one somehow filled the gap between their first kiss and second kiss.  
> Thanks for all those kudos and comments! It was a pleasure to write for this fandom.


End file.
